Grad school auditions at Illinois are this Saturday and I'm feeling totally unprepared. At this point it's like I don't even care, just let me play and get it over with. STRESS. February has been the longest month of my life when it's supposed to be the shortest month. It's been one anxiety attack after another, but thanks to good friends, especially my roommate who is never at a loss for insight and acts as if my life is the most important thing to him, I'm starting to feel more stable.
I seem to have been in the business of burning bridges these past few weeks, which is the worst kind of business to be in. It's caused me to reevaluate my approach to relationships with other people in general. I think the biggest lesson I've learned is the fact that I need to look for reasons to love other people rather than reasons to distance myself from them, as well as be more proactive in showing that love. Most of my relationships with other people have been driven by those people. My friends and family have always called me to do things, but for the most part I've rarely called them. If I don't get a call, I just hang out alone. It's just easier not to show love, and I can always look at a person and come up with several reasons why I shouldn't have to. And after all, why would I voluntarily put myself through all of the stress that comes from human interaction? Have I just not found enough love for other people that I'm willing to overcome my own discomfort and laziness to reach out to them and show them that they are loved? Maybe. And then I look around me and see all these people who learned that lesson so long ago and I get mired in self-pity and loathing and get discouraged to think I'm still just starting. How did Scrooge change so fast?
Come to think of it, I used to be very loving growing up, but somewhere in my teenage years I started burying it under layers of of pride and disillusionment. I don't know why. It's still in there though, and it still surfaces when I'm completely honest with myself and others, which is usually when I go through humbling experiences. Like right now. I'd like to think that those of you who know me best can attest to that.
So to any friends and maybe even family I have alienated recently or over the years, I am sorry I tend to be more brain than heart. I really do love you. Far far far more than you know. In fact, at my lowest times, the thought of all of you is very literally the only thing that keeps me going. So thank you.
You are so not Scrooge. I am the same way though--it takes me forever to make real friends and I tend to not let people get close to me. Either that or people just don't want to. I just tend to overcommit myself and get wrapped up in the minutia of life and let what's really important (people) slide. I've always had to work at not letting that happen--it's a daily thing for me.
ReplyDeleteYou'll do fine at auditions! Here's my unsolicited advice: If you don't feel confidence, fake it. Other than that, be yourself. Finding a grad school is all about finding a place where you "fit" in the program. You'll find a good fit somewhere.
I played a recital the other night for the first time in years (a flute recital). I didn't play it perfectly, but I tried to convey a feeling of having fun--and that's what people said most to me afterward: "wow, you looked like you were having so much fun! Do you love performing?" I don't think they knew that I screwed up sometimes. Anyway, it WAS fun.
End of preachiness now.