Detoxifying at Grandma's

Hide and seek.  I think we've played hide and seek like 10 times in grandma's basement which consists of a bedroom and a small closet.  It became like this personal ninja challenge to keep coming up with more hiding spots.  I have fit myself into every conceivable nook and cranny of that basement, and it finally culminated in this, the last hiding spot.  They couldn't find me until I shouted out to help them.  The best is when it's S's turn to hide and she's looking at me and telling me to go upstairs and count while she's already started stuffing herself under the dresser.
Another psychedelic picture.  They weren't that impressed.  Too much patience required.
Rach died laughing when she saw this one.  It's funny how it distorted S's face to make it look like she's raising her eyebrow, especially since her hand is on her cheek like that.
G's rockstar picture.  Rach loved this one too.  His hair was perfect for this.  You can see more on my facebook page if you want.
"Look at the light" I said.  Very cute.

This Morning, 17,000 Feet Above the Upper Midwest

The stars awaken a certain reverence, because though always present, they are inaccessible; but all natural objects make a kindred impression, when the mind is open to their influence... Nature never became a toy to a wise spirit. The flowers, the animals, the mountains, reflected the wisdom of his best hour, as much as they had delighted the simplicity of his childhood.

To speak truly, few adult persons can see nature. Most persons do not see the sun. At least they have a very superficial seeing. The sun illuminates only the eye of the man but shines into the eye and heart of the child. The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are still truly adjusted to each other; who has retained the spirit of infancy even into the era of manhood.

In the woods is perpetual youth.

A man is fed, not that he may be fed, but that he may work.

Excerpts from Nature (1836)
R. W. Emerson

In the words of the great Dave Simon, "Shoot myself in the face."

So my "audish" as we like to say in a snooty voice in the music world was kind of dumb.  Let me rephrase that.  I am kind of dumb.

First of all, I go to audition and see that the guy auditioning me is not the full time sax guy, but rather the "guest lecturer" sax guy (according to the UI website), which means he comes on campus once in a blue moon to help give the program a good name.  The guy auditioning right before me sounds really really really good, and I think he's only a freshman.  Great.  So I go in and he has me play a couple of scales, which I wasn't planning on doing, but whatever.  I play the D diminished scale just fine, but then he asks me to play the Eb melodic minor.  Now that would have been great except that my brain decided that he'd said Eb harmonic minor, which is awkward to finger on the sax.  So not only do I play the wrong scale, but I screw it up too.  At any rate, he doesn't bother to correct me, and I don't realize what I've done until after the audition.  So next, he has me sight read this tune and improvise on it.  So I did that and was feeling pretty good about it when he asks me if I recognized the chord changes I'd just played, and my mind goes totally blank.  I know that I've heard these changes a million times and so in my nervous state I start mixing things up in my head and saying random tune names that aren't even close.  Finally he tells me "Another You."  I'm retarded.  So then he asks me what I want to play for him and that he has backing instrumental recordings to like any song.  "Just Friends" I say.  "Do me a favor and look it up on the list on that wall and tell me what volume it's in."  Now I'm staring blankly at the list and I can't think of where J is in the alphabet because I'm still thinking about how I can't believe I couldn't think of the name of that tune, and I'm making noises "uh... um..." as he waits.  Finally I focus and find the tune, but start panicking a little because it says the recording is in a different key than I've been practicing.  "Oh, well that's one you should know in two keys, at least," he says.  Again, I feel retarded.  But then, "Oh, I don't think I have that one anyway."  Great.  That was the tune I had really high hopes for.  "Do you know any Benny Golsen tunes?"  Uh... no.  "Okay, how about 'Stella?'"  I've been working on that one, so I agree, but I've been practicing it as a ballad and he's only got it at medium-up.  Whatever.  So my stressed brain is starting to check out again now and I start missing the changes that I've played who knows how many times.  Now my brain is on another planet and he wants me to play a final tune.  Well, the audition instructions said I was expected to know "All the Things You Are," so I suggest that one.  He gets this look on his face like "If I hear that song one more time I'm gonna..." and says, "yeah, you could do that... or how about Giant Steps?"  Swell!  I would just love to play that infamously difficult song with the Jamey Aebersold play-a-long which everyone knows takes it even faster than John Coltrane's original recording.  "Um, I don't think I'd be comfortable taking it at that tempo."  "*sigh* Alright... well then I guess let's just do All the Things You Are."  The recording starts with the intro, which I can't remember because I never perform it with the intro, so I just stand there looking dumb and he's looking at me like "what's wrong?"  Luckily it's a pretty short intro, and I come in at the head.  So I get done, and we talk for a few minutes, but I just want to get out as fast as I can, which I do, forgetting my mouthpiece cap of course, which I come back for later and find out he'd chased me down the hall to give it back to me but didn't find me.

In retrospect, it wasn't THAT bad.  It could have been worse.  He had some nice things to say.  I just let my nerves get ahold of me and I got flustered with all of the little things that kept going wrong.  It kind of sounded like I might get accepted, but that I probably shouldn't bet on any financial aid.  I haven't auditioned for anything (besides for Dr. Watkins every semester, which doesn't count) in like 10 years, and never for anything very important.  So I'm hoping that this will help me for my audition at Colorado next weekend.  The good thing is that I'll be backed up by a live rhythm section then, so none of this having to rely on stupid recordings.  It was a learning experience.  It's always good to get your butt kicked now and again to remind me that, oh yeah, this is no game.  I've got work to do.

Sponge Bob? No. Sponge Mom.

So Mom told me the greatest story on Sunday. She said she had all these weird stressful dreams one night last week where she had all these visitors staying the night at the house and she didn't have time to make meals for them or know where to have them sleep. And then Sis. Bessy from the ward was wearing this really sparkly tight red outfit and was getting really mad at Mom for not fulfilling her compassionate service responsibilities. And there were all these other stressful things I can't remember. So Mom woke up in panic mode while Dad was getting ready to leave. She went into the bathroom but found that she just couldn't pee, and it occurred to her that she'd had a lot of salty popcorn the night before that might have sucked her dry. So she was all panicked and flustered and came out just as Dad was about to leave and said, "I had all these stressful dreams and now I can't pee!" To which Dad just stared at her like, "Who are you?"

S. (Not P.S. because Mom absorbed the P.) Today was the first day in a long time that I went to devotional and didn't feel like fleeing from the room the whole time.

Charles Dickens' little-known sequel: Ebenezer Scroovner

I just discovered pumpkin seeds from a famous October night three and a half months ago when Jacqueline and I got in a pumpkin slime fight.  I think that means it's time for out floor's annual cleaning.  I don't know, just a hunch.  But I SWEAR I've cleaned the floor since then.  And I finally threw out the black squash that we were going to turn into bat, but by the time I threw it out it had turned orange.  Is that normal?

Grad school auditions at Illinois are this Saturday and I'm feeling totally unprepared.  At this point it's like I don't even care, just let me play and get it over with.  STRESS.  February has been the longest month of my life when it's supposed to be the shortest month.  It's been one anxiety attack after another, but thanks to good friends, especially my roommate who is never at a loss for insight and acts as if my life is the most important thing to him, I'm starting to feel more stable.

I seem to have been in the business of burning bridges these past few weeks, which is the worst kind of business to be in.  It's caused me to reevaluate my approach to relationships with other people in general.  I think the biggest lesson I've learned is the fact that I need to look for reasons to love other people rather than reasons to distance myself from them, as well as be more proactive in showing that love.  Most of my relationships with other people have been driven by those people.  My friends and family have always called me to do things, but for the most part I've rarely called them.  If I don't get a call, I just hang out alone.  It's just easier not to show love, and I can always look at a person and come up with several reasons why I shouldn't have to.  And after all, why would I voluntarily put myself through all of the stress that comes from human interaction?  Have I just not found enough love for other people that I'm willing to overcome my own discomfort and laziness to reach out to them and show them that they are loved?  Maybe.  And then I look around me and see all these people who learned that lesson so long ago and I get mired in self-pity and loathing and get discouraged to think I'm still just starting.  How did Scrooge change so fast?

Come to think of it, I used to be very loving growing up, but somewhere in my teenage years I started burying it under layers of of pride and disillusionment.  I don't know why.  It's still in there though, and it still surfaces when I'm completely honest with myself and others, which is usually when I go through humbling experiences.  Like right now.  I'd like to think that those of you who know me best can attest to that.

So to any friends and maybe even family I have alienated recently or over the years, I am sorry I tend to be more brain than heart.  I really do love you.  Far far far more than you know.  In fact, at my lowest times, the thought of all of you is very literally the only thing that keeps me going.  So thank you.

Cheese Balls

This last week was nuts.  I spent last weekend playing a 10 hour jazzathon for Justin's Arts West school.  Mostly his students played, but I still got to play quite a bit.  Several of his students were amazing, especially a pianist named Kelin who is already playing at a professional level.  Jeff, the vocal instructor, did most of the emceeing and was hilarious with his jokes and improvised songs.  He had these special introduction songs for his vocalists that included backup singers/dancers that were amazing.  I got to play All the Things You Are with Ryan and Sanden and we did two a cappella choruses that were really great.  Sanden joked that I have a good sound despite the fact that I studied with Watkins.  He likes to tease Watkins.

Hopefully Arts West doesn't go under.  The things they're doing are incredible, but they're having a lot of trouble with their finances and it's taking an obvious tole on Justin and his family.  I would love to go teach for them, but I'm not sure it would last, or I'd get paid, or if they even have a spot for me.  Maybe I could just live with them and be their housekeeper?  They could use the help.

We tried coming back Sunday but had to turn back because of a storm, so we didn't get back until Monday, which set my theory class back a day.  I don't know how I'm going to fit everything in this semester.  Ryan and I talked a lot about the ear training program and how it needs some major overhauling.

We also had a good conversation about how classes need a good balance of "what" information and "why" that information is applicable.  In other words, because information for the sake of information is pointless, the teacher needs to provide at least one view on how to apply that information to your life and why it's important.  If for no other reason, it needs to be pointed out how the information enriches life and makes us grateful by making us more aware of our surroundings and our relationship with them.  However, some teachers (especially at BYU-I) spend too much time philosophizing about their own gospel filtered ideas toward the subject and don't relay enough of the regular information you would expect to get in such a course at any other school.  It's not the responsibility of the teacher to provide a comprehensive approach to how I apply the information, just point out a possible approach.  Ultimately it's the student's responsibility to decide how it should be applied.  We also talked about the ongoing controversial issue of what defines jazz music.  Of course we still didn't find the answer, but we threw out the idea that music is always changing, but we only get a new major style of music when a lot of changes happen at about the same time.  We also talked about how members of the church are misinterpreting the "good, better, best" idea.  We are applying it to situations in which things are not good, better, or best, but just DIFFERENT.  It's possible to have two different approaches to something without one being better than the other.  The good, better, best thing tends to create arrogance and extremism when it's misinterpreted.  We talked about a lot of things that were very enlightening that I can't remember right now.  Hopefully they'll be brought to my remembrance when the time is right.

A couple of weeks ago I got in a slump for several reasons.  I had a friend who didn't have to be my friend at the time give me a late night call and I had one of the most meaningful conversations on the topic of religion that I've ever had.  If you ever read this, thank you J.  This last week I had a great time visiting J at her flower shop.  I respect people that respect the beauty of living things.  That night we were going to watch my new movie Children of Heaven by Majid Majidi which I highly recommend to anyone.  However, in a strange twist of extremely awkward events our plans changed and I was completely thrown for a loop.  The night ended on a somber tone.  It was one of those nights I wish I could rewrite.

Yesterday I was asked to help the Simons and the Ryzkas make a movie that they'd been working on.  I was feeling neutral about it when suddenly I got a text from Dave saying that he'd set me up with Ingrid for that night.  Apparently he'd taken it upon himself to try and cheer me up.  Ingrid and I went to the magical crawl space at my house and got our super villain costumes.  Mine consisted of a foam mask of a Christmas Tree, my Taekwondo sparring vest, and my cyborg therapy glove thing I've had since I broke my finger in high school.  Ingrid wore the rest of the sparring gear (which was black), a makeshift black cape, and a penguin mask, and we called her Penguina.  We also found a bag full of balls of newspaper wrapped in tape.  After Navaho tacos at the Ryskas', we went to the snow building.  In the end there were nine of us total, all wearing the most ridiculous costumes imaginable.  The plot was simple.  Four superheroes with crappy powers get set up by a mysterious faceless man (Kevin) by the name of Cheese Big (or Cheese Red, Cheese Bread, Cheese Whiz, etc., depending on who was saying it).  He sicks his four evil henchmen on them, each of whom has to be summoned.  Ingrid and I get summoned while sitting in adjoining bathroom stalls.  I'm reading the newspaper and she's knitting.  The movie culminates in a huge fight scene in the Barrus Concert Hall.  I had to fight John where I used my Cyborg glove to make him hit himself in the face with his balloon hands and then throw him off the stage.  Then, in the coolest camera shot ever, he kicked the glove off my hand which flew thirty feet and broke in two pieces.  In the end, the heroes are looking for the mysterious man who started it all and are in the middle of saying his name, "Cheese...." when the camera zooms in on Kevin's face and he says "....Balls" in the most menacing/goofy way, and that's the end.  We went over to the Ryskas' to which it today and it was amazing, but John is going to edit it this week, including adding background music. It's going to be the next blockbuster fo' sho'.  I came home utterly exhausted last night, but happy.  Thanks Dave for putting it all together.  You're a pal, even if you are slow and hairy.

To all my friends and family, I'm sorry if I've been a stranger.  I'm trying to figure out my life and I've been guilty of becoming very introverted in the process.  I need to get out of myself.  I love you all.

Shave and a hair cut, six bits. But inflation made it 11 dollars. Plus tip.

Well we left for Utah on Tuesday to hang with the fambly.  We were supposed to have this second Christmas on New Years Eve the next day when the nieces and nephews would open presents from the other side of the family, but Janice and Gabe were still getting over something and Rachel suddenly got sick that night, so it didn't work out.  PLUS Gabe and Sophie decided Wednesday morning to make nests out of all this dried spaghetti and sauce which the dogs then devoured, making a big mess, and then somehow they were able to climb way way up to the top of these shelves and get the WD-40 which they used up spraying down the dogs' hair.  Needless to say, they got in a lot of trouble.  

Sarah and I went cross country skiing at Sundance which was fun even though it was really icy. It turned out they closed at 5:00 PM so we were only out there for like an hour and a quarter, and since we paid about $27 apiece to do it, it was kind of the equivalent of going to a really really expensive movie.  We returned to grandma's to clean up and go party and Sarah assured me we could eat at her brother Bob's house.  Sarah's brother Bob and sister Karin and their families were having this big get-together, so there were kids running all over the place shooting people with Nerf-like guns that seem to be getting more and more lethal.  But as for dinner, it turned out to be chips, crackers, salsa, shrimp, and spring rolls.  Sarah's family is really cool, so we had fun.  We took off to pick up Sarah's friend, took the Trax down town, dropped by a hotel where Kurt was playing piano and Sarah's friend Nate was playing bass, walked forever to drop by a little party thrown by some of Sarah's married friends, started a game of Apples to Apples but left ten minutes into it, were wished a "Happy F****** New Year!" by a guy walking down the street by himself with headphones who was twirling these flashing balls on a string, got to our train two minutes late, waited forever for the next train, spent midnight singing Auld Lang Sing on it, swung by the U of U Institute Dance to go to the bathroom, made fun of the guy sitting by himself playing classical music on the piano to get the ladies' attention, drove to the Arts Center and finished the night dancing to techno music for over an hour with an indie crowd while like half the people there came up to Sarah to say hi to her.  And her last boyfriend was there who hates her and didn't say hi even though we were like ten feet away from him the whole time in this kind of small room.  I stayed the night at Sarah's and we made waffles and watched White Christmas the next morning, which to my utter surprise, I had never seen before.  I just figured I had because I can't count the number of times I've been with a group of people and someone says, "Oh let's watch White Christmas!  It's my favorite!"  Then I got picked up in the afternoon and headed back to the Burg.  Given the fact that my New Years usually suck, this one was actually a lot of fun for the adventure of it all.

Then today, this happened...

You can't see it too well, but I shaved half of my mustache and one side of my face so that I would have this spiral starting at my nose and going around my chin and up to my ear.

I could have been a Mennonite.

El producto final.  Hot damn.